Making Changes and Waves.

I’ve been putting off writing this post because I’m terrified. Making this announcement means that my decision is real and public, much more than the sheet of paper I signed to confirm it. So, deep breath. I’ve dropped out of university.

Leaving university was an important choice for me because I realised I wasn’t there for me anymore; I was there for some traditional idea of success and for the other people in my life that wanted that for me. My year out last year enlightened me on quite a few things in my life. I know that I no longer want to be a scriptwriter and I am done making sacrifices and pushing myself so far that my mental health suffers. Being back at university, even with so little time there, I slipped back into the unhealthy coping mechanisms I had last year, moved further away from the boundaries I tried to build for myself and once again felt trapped by suicidal ideation. I knew there was no way I could combat the stress that final year brings, especially when I don’t want to be studying the topic, and try to keep my head above the water at the same time. It was an extremely difficult decision to actually drop out though because it meant admitting I couldn’t cope, admitting I didn’t want what I had put so much work into, and it meant I was in for a complete upheaval of my life. Of course, I also had worries about whether this was right for me.

I really hate using the term “dropping out” because it has such a negative connotation. Honestly, it makes me feel like a failure and a loser, and I don’t think that there should be this stigma around leaving that environment. I’ve left university and made this HUGE change to improve my life – it should feel positive. It felt positive at the time I first decided and knew it was what I wanted, but now not so much. You see, my decision has been met with a barrage of disappointment, anger and those awful looks that make you hate yourself. I hate that it’s become this terrible thing that people are convinced is going to ruin my life and that I’m going to regret to the end of my days. I might regret the decision at some point, but everyone has doubts about their choices. I feel like I am owed this. After the year I’ve had, I am allowed to make changes to my life that are in my best interest and start getting the things I want out of life.

I do want to thank everyone in my life that has been supportive of my decision. I don’t think I could have kept it together if there hadn’t been people that love me so much. These people listened when that I told them I needed this and they just went with it. I am even more grateful for the people that have understood my decision and helped bolster my confidence in following it through. I owe you for rescuing me from the six months of my life that would have been spent in misery. I am so thankful to have you all in my life.

So, the new truth I suppose is this: I’m Grace Richards, a 22-year-old woman who’s left university. I’m still grieving the losses of this year, managing my recovery process as carefully as I can, putting in boundaries for my life and my mental health. I am clueless about what lies ahead for me, but I’m still hopeful, eager and ready for what awaits me.

10 Replies to “Making Changes and Waves.”

  1. ❤ you know I’m always here if you need me xx

    1. I do. Thanks, Sam ❤ xx

  2. 2018 has not been an easy year for me. One of the hardest things for me was accepting that in regards to my mental and physical health, and then taking action to look after myself so I could be in a better place.

    My battle this year seems small in comparison yours. But the choice you’ve made here and your openness with regards to mental health inspire me in a battle I have not long been fighting. It takes a lot of courage and strength to put yourself first over what others might think.

    Here if you ever need to talk to someone. Just send me a message.

    1. Thank you for your support. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with your mental health too. I don’t think there’s possibility for comparison in our battles because the struggle is hell for everyone. I hope you continue to fight for recovery. Feel free to message me too if you ever need support.

      1. Thank you 🙂 I’m still fighting and the last few months of hard work are paying off.

        I should know better than to try to compare battles, but I think I was trying to appreciate how big of a decision this must have been for you.

        Here’s to a positive tomorrow

        1. I’m glad! I didn’t mean that to come off as harsh as it did, I just don’t want you to dismiss all the work that you’re putting in and everything you’ve gone through too. It felt and still feels like a huge decision, but I looking forward to how it pans out.

  3. Definitely a big choice, but who am I to say this is wrong for you? I still don’t even know what I want to do post-uni, so there’s that…in any case, it’s clear to me you’ve given this some careful thought, so I wish you every success and that things go well after this. Though I still miss seeing you around campus, I hope you will keep us all updated on how your life’s going following this. With any luck, you’ll prove the nay-sayers wrong.
    Best regards,

    1. Thanks, Toby! I’ve got some plans in the works, but we’ll see what the future holds.

  4. Glad you’re feeling better now Katy. I noticed you weren’t around uni anymore so I guessed you weren’t sure about continuing – it’s totally fine 🙂 I didn’t know you were struggling that much but its nice that you made up your mind and you’re happy now. Decisions can get really scary at times. Wish you the best with what you choose to do next. Best wishes x

    1. Thanks, Tania! I wish you all the best with the rest of your degree and with the assignments and such. Yeah, I knew that uni wasn’t for me anymore and I needed to concentrate on my mental health x

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