Just wanted to acknowledge that these letters are the weirdest ones for me to write, the ones where I’m still friends with the recipients. It’s so odd to be bearing my soul knowing we’ll be seeing each other in the near future. I do, however, know that you’ve been wondering if you’d get your own letter (a little birdie told me the other night). You should know that you were always going to be on the list.
I don’t really remember how we met me but we went to Sixth Form together so, presumably, our friends introduced us at break or lunch. Please don’t take offence to my forgetfulness; I can’t remember how I met most of my friends unless it was awkward or embarrassing. It’s a relief that meeting you was clearly not traumatising. I will admit that I crushed on you almost instantly. I mean, come on, you’re tall, athletic, and the kindest person ever, I had no chance. Pretty sure all the girls in our group fancied you even if it was just a bit; there’s probably proof out in the cyberspace somewhere but I’ll save my friends some of the embarrassment this time round.
Our friends tried to push us together but being painfully shy threw a real spanner in the works and I know I definitely danced around admitting that I actually liked you. I can’t help but remember that awkward game of truth or dare at one of my house parties. (Some people just don’t know their left and rights).
I absolutely hated that I was being pressured into talking to you and that they were trying to force things so soon after having my heart broken (thanks again, ‘To, the boy I give too much credit’, for being such a dick and ruining things). Everything that happened had kind of broken the hopeless romantic I used to be. That was an extremely important foundation block of my personality and having it torn away had caused some major damage. I was trying to navigate having a crush and my new trust issues and cynicism. You seemed to be this amazing guy and I liked having you in my life as a friend but my ex had seemed perfect to me too. I couldn’t trust my instincts anymore and I didn’t want to risk the friendship I had with you or compromise our friendship group as a whole if things went sour. Being humiliated at school was not something I would allow to happen a second time as I was already in the thick of it. Going to school was like wading through the fiery pits of hell and our little friendship group was a safe haven for me.
All this being said, you were eternally kind and made me laugh so we did go out for a drink once. I was incredibly nervous because I’m not the type of girl who frequently dates and I didn’t really know or understand dating etiquette. (I still don’t!) My mind was running at a mile a minute the whole way through so I was probably rambling like an idiot. My mum offered you a lift home with us. Cheers for making things even more awkward, mum. She liked you though so bonus points right there.
I’m not really sure when or why things kinda came to a halt, but I don’t really mind because I kept you as a friend and I’m thankful for that. Seeing each other became infrequent when we were both at uni, as it did with all our friends, especially as we were mostly home during busy holiday periods. We normally got to see each other at least once in the summer and again at Christmas.
Flashing forward to now: you are in a long-term relationship with the loveliest girl. The first time I met her, I was already nervous as I knew that she would be coming along and then I was greeted with her knowledge of our date and I was mortified. I was convinced this meant she was going to hate me. In fact, it’s been quite the contrary and I’m so glad I get to hang out with her now we’re all in the same place. Recently, she joked about me having stolen away from you though, but I think it’s the opposite, I think I’ve stolen her away. I’m so lucky to know you both. It goes to show that sometimes things end for a reason.
Obviously (I hope), big love to you always, Grace x
Click here to read the previous letter in the blog series: To, the boy I was too b̶r̶o̶k̶e̶n̶ shy to date.
Click here to read the next letter in the blog series: To, the geeky boy I fancied.