This letter has been difficult to write because I was unsure which version I really wanted out in the world. Once it’s out there, I can’t take it back. However, as Lara Jean says ‘I write like he’ll never read it’, so I will.
I have two wonderful, beautiful souls to thank for the existence of this letter; two girls who got me through lessons on Middle English and pushed me to make new friends when I was in a period of constant anxious-terror.
Because of these babes, I attended a BBQ where I was instantly smitten with this adorable, intelligent guy who knew as much about Doctor Who as me. Hey (*waves awkwardly*). I was taken with how smart you are and was in awe of your grasp of numbers – something I’ve just never had.
We started talking and I don’t remember how but we ended up going on a coffee date. I don’t know about you but I felt super awkward the whole way through. I hadn’t gone on a coffee date since The Boy I Give Too Much Credit and that had crashed and burned in a spectacularly horrific way. Anxiety consumed me and, despite knowing that you are this sweet, understanding person, I kept replayed how my trust had failed me before. I liked you so much that the fall-out would have been massive if things fell the same way and I was too sensitive to go through that pain again.
So, I distanced myself from you. I convinced myself that these my anxiety about trusting people meant there wasn’t a spark between us, that I didn’t like you “enough”.
There were parties and group-hangs that usually led us to making out. Kisses in the hot tub – Peter Kavinsky, eat your heart out. You’re really cute, can you really blame me? Honestly though, those hickeys were so hard to cover up! (Sorry, Mum). I hope it’s not just me, but cheese savouries will never be the same – they make me cringe so hard.
Any time we got closer, that fear in the back of my mind grew. I’d have recurring nightmares of experiencing the humiliation I had before, so I freaked out and distanced myself further.
Looking back on it now, being caught up in my own problems, I didn’t think how my hot-cold behaviour would affect you and I’m mortified by the way I acted. I cannot apologise enough for how I behaved. It’s so important to me that you understand, it wasn’t you. I adored you. You were literally my dream guy and you seemed to like me back. (I still have no idea why).
Things really ended when we both went off to university on opposite ends of the country.
I’ll admit I’ve often thought how it would have worked out if the timing was different, but I shouldn’t linger on the might-have-beens and the things that went wrong. If I did, I’d be writing these letters for the rest of my days.
Nowadays, we live our lives and still meet up at group-hang, but now we’ve grown and you’ve got your gorgeous girlfriend on your arm. No animosity there because she’s actually the loveliest, prettiest, most adorable person ever and I’ve so happy you’ve found each other. I’m so honoured to have you as my friend and I cannot thank you enough for making me feel wanted when I felt my most unlovable. I was at the lowest point of my life and you made me feel giddy with affection. Thank you.
I hope you don’t hate me after this letter because I cannot wait to see what you do with your life. I’m sure it’s gonna be spectacular. Keep being the amazing, loving person you are. From this anxious goofball to the geek-next-door: thank you.
Love, Grace x
Click here to read the previous letter in the blog series: To, the boy I was too b̶r̶o̶k̶e̶n̶ shy to date.
Click here to read the next letter in the blog series: To, the boy in the leopard-print dress.